Week Six – Caviar

Oh how the other half live!

I am, of course referring to those who are on the invite list for high society galas, Elton John’s post-Oscar bashes and tête à têtes with James Bond.  At these gatherings, guests quaff Dom Pérignon while they mingle – discussing the latest developments in Scientology, how many new children Angelina Jolie has and who’s addicted to what painkiller – and muse over what amuse-bouche to shove in their heavily-botoxed faces.

Obviously, this scene is pure in my head fantasy and not, in any way, based on anything resembling fact, as I have never been invited to such shindigs.  Referring to these celebrity get-togethers as ‘shindigs’ will probably ensure I will remain uninvited for the remainder of my life.  Yes, that’s the reason my name will never be on the list.

Caviar is fish eggs and the highly sought after variety, beluga caviar – from a fish called the sturgeon – is notoriously expensive.  A quick internet search revealed that the going rate for 50 grams of this is somewhere in the region of £200.  Obviously, I’m not going to pay that sort of money for a food experiment, so I shopped around and managed to find a jar of lumpfish caviar for £2.48 in Sainsbury’s.  At about 80% of the price, it was unlikely to be quite as exclusive, but would be likely to bear reasonable similarities.  That’s really all I needed.

Further internet searching suggested that, in order not to risk tainting the flavour of the caviar, I should handle it with a spoon made from mother of pearl.  As someone who doesn’t have the disposable income necessary to purchase top-quality caviar, it will come as no surprise to you that I am also someone who doesn’t possess a mother of pearl spoon.  To compromise, I used a spoon belonging to my mother – In my (low-budget) book, that seemed close enough.  Wouldn’t it be great if I had a sister called Pearl?  No, probably not.

I opened the jar and was immediately hit with the smell of teabags.

I have really tried hard to work on my descriptions of the new foods I have been eating – Is it working?

I spooned out a small pile of shiny black eggs from the jar and put them in my mouth (Where else did you expect me to put them?).  The first taste I got was that of salt – lots of salt – with a gritty texture.  If I could compare it to something, it would be somewhat like misjudging a head-first dive into the sea which culminates with you ending up with your mouth wrapped around a section of sandbank.  In the ensuing melee, you swallow a lot of seawater and a few thousand grains of sand.

All in all an underwhelming experience.

Maybe I wasn’t eating it a way that allowed it to showcase its gastronomic potential.  I had to think more broadly than eating it from a teaspoon.  I had to think canapés.  I had to think hors d’oeuvres.  For the first time in my life, I felt it necessary to put myself in the position of Elton John.  What would he do in this situation?  How would he present caviar to his guests? (If, of course, he was on a limited budget like me.)

Does Elton John have special egg cups for caviar? Or have I just gone wrong somewhere?

I spread some caviar thickly on a cream cracker and opened the champers.  Yes, that’s more like it.

So, Week Six completed and I imagine it will probably be the last time I eat caviar.  It will definitely be the last time I put myself in the mind of Elton John – It was a weird world in there and I almost didn’t make it out alive.

Next week I will be eating something else.  Yes.