Miss Frodo the Hamstress – Obviously
Firstly, an apology. Last week I introduced you all to my hamster, Frodo, and, in a rare insight into my inner emotional workings, I suggested how much I missed him. He died a number of years ago, you see. It took a lot of courage to lay my feelings bare and I hoped that this outpouring would bring a greater depth to my writing. However, I have since been informed that Frodo was, in actual fact, a girl hamster. This raises a couple of questions… Why would I call a girl hamster Frodo? Is a girl hamster a hamstress?
I pride myself on the accuracy of the content of these food firsts episodes and I can only apologise for unintentionally leading everyone astray.
Clearly last week’s trip to Crawley in search of pants, which resulted in the discovery of an Asian food store, was too much for me. The excitement was, perhaps, too great or I just got a bit scared of new surroundings. As a result, I felt compelled to return to Morrison’s for this week’s food first.
As now seems to be the Morrison’s norm, I paid a visit to the fruit and vegetable section to check if they still stocked scotch bonnet peppers – They did. At some point I really am going to attempt to eat one of them. I scouted around the area for potential new foods: Chayote… Done! Persimmon fruit… Done! Star fruit… Done! It appeared that I was potentially running out of international fruit and vegetable options – This would be a disaster, as it would again force me out of the comfortable surroundings of what I could probably get away with calling my 2013 second home.
I started to worry… What would I do if I had to find somewhere else to find new foods? This was an upsetting thought to have.
Fortunately, before my tear ducts had time to force droplets of salty liquid out into the world and down my cheeks, I was distracted by a bit of a kerfuffle developing next to the carrots. A man was complaining to a member of staff that someone had stolen his trolley. He was clearly irate. The initial staff helper was clearly no Bergerac and had to call the security guard from his position by the front door. The security guard looked desperately around the area for the man’s trolley – which probably wasn’t going to help as everyone seemed to have one. As crimes go, stealing someone’s trolley inside a supermarket is hardly the Great Train Robbery or the Turnip Heist of 1607.
As I continued to pry on developments at the crime scene, I noticed something unfamiliar on a shelf over the victim’s right shoulder… It looked a bit like a pear, but with an armadillo-like scaly pattern across the surface. This was something new… Something I definitely hadn’t encountered before. As it turned out, it was a Cherimoya Custard Apple.
Custard Apple? Or armadillo? Or modern art installation?
I had to wait for a couple of minutes for the now trolley-less man to be furnished with a new trolley before I was able to get to the fruit. It turns out his original trolley had been totally empty and it wasn’t even one of those you have to put a pound coin in, so I’m not too sure why he was so angered.
Custard Apple Maths
Custard Apples sound like an ingenious idea – Like a complete pudding solution. Something along the lines of “Take a fruit and a dessert sauce out of the cupboard? Not me, I just custard apple and go!” Hmmm, maybe the slogan needs some work… Or I need some counselling.
After compliantly posing for some photographs, the custard apple found itself chopped in half and on its way in spoonfuls into my digestive system.
Apparently, Mark Twain – celebrated author and inaugural Moustache-Rearer of the Year in 1871 – described the custard apple as ‘the most delicious fruit known to men’ in an article in the Sacramento Union. I assume that in 1866, when he wrote the piece, women had yet to be invented – or, heaven forbid, not even asked about their fruit preferences.
Anyway, as a man, I was looking forward to the impending deliciousness…
Men love it! What do you ladies think?
The custard apple had the consistency of a pear. Black seeds – similar to those found in watermelon, but larger and almost bean-like – littered the cream-coloured flesh. The taste is difficult to describe as each mouthful seemed to bring with it a different flavour… There were hints of mango, toffee, pineapple and banana, all wrapped-up in the custard textured fruit.
As a maverick, I ate some of the skin – which, after a little research, was suggested to be a bit of a no-no – It tasted something like I would imagine potpourri to taste like. Maybe next week I will eat potpourri just to see if my instincts were correct.
I’m not sure if I fully agree with Mr Twain about the custard apple being the most delicious fruit ever invented. It was nice. It was also the most varied flavoured food I have eaten, with the sole exception of a bag of jelly beans – You know, the ones with lots of different flavours.
Corrections and Apologies
In spite of my promise to be as accurate as possible in my musings, I may have fabricated the following: –
- There was no Turnip Heist in 1607 – Turnips weren’t invented until the following year.
- Mark Twain was not the first recipient of the Moustache-Rearer of the Year – The award, in fact, went to Tom Selleck’s great grandfather
According to my legal team, I am genuinely sorry for my factual errors…
Fifty-Two Weeks of Filling My Cheeks 